Did you ever want to go to Nerima, Tokyo?

Did you ever think that all those problems Ranma has would be so easy to solve if only someone would sort it all out?

Well, If the answer is "yes", you are obviously spending too much time with that manga collection of yours. In any case, the following should be right up your alley, because it is...

(Everybody in this fic is drawn super-deformed, BTW)

Ranma and Akane are walking to school hand in hand. Suddenly Kodachi comes around a corner and jumps right between them. She breaks the contact of their hands and embraces Ranma.

Kodachi: Oh, Ranma-sama!

Akane reaches into hammerspace and mallets Ranma.

WHOMP

Akane: Ranma no BAKA!

Shampoo pops out from nowhere and hits Akane with her bonbori.

Shampoo: Violent girl no hit Ranma!

Mousse comes running.

Mousse: Ranma! I will kill you, so Shampoo will defend me that way.

But he does not wear his glasses and kicks Ryouga instead who has just climbed out of a manhole with the map of the London Underground in his hands.

Ryouga: Ouch!

Mousse: Shampoo, I love you. Let me be your slave!

He throws himself before Kodachi and kisses her feet. Kodachi just smiles, but Shampoo kicks Mousse's head.

Shampoo: Silly Mousse! You Shampoo's slave already.

Ranma crawls out from under the mallet. Ryouga sees this and immediately moves in to attack.

Ryouga: Take this, Ranma!

It begins to rain and everybody turns into their respective cursed form. The rain stops. Ranma-chan jumps onto the giant mallet to escape Shampoo-neko, Mousse's transformation seems to have piqued Kodachi's interest and she's lost in thought, apparently pondering the possibilities, while holding the duck in an iron grip.

Ryouga hurls himself at Ranma-chan. Before he can reach her, though, he is stopped in mid-air by a bokken.

Kunou: Filthy pig! You will not touch my pigtailed goddess!

Akane: P-chan!

She grabs the pig and presses it to her bosom, ignoring the blood that soon begins to flow from its nose.

Suddenly Shampoo-neko is flying. Ukyou has flipped her into the air with her giant spatula.

Shampoo: Meyoooooowww!

Ukyou: Ran-chan! I made okonomiyaki for you!

Ranma-chan: Yum!

Akane grips the handle of the mallet and is just about to mallet both Ukyou and Ranma into oblivion, when a heavenly sound vibrates over Nerima.

An angelic choir is singing "hosianna hosianna" and the street corner is bathed in ethereal light.

Ranma-chan: Look!

Ukyou: Up in the sky!

Akane: It's a bird...

P-chan: Bweee....

Shampoo: No! Is <Your Name HERE>!

Everybody falls to their knees and avert their eyes. <Your Name HERE> is hovering on a cloud above them, angelic wings spread wide.

<Your Name HERE>: You need not grovel before me, divine though I am. I am here to help you.

Ranma-chan: Help us? But how?

<Your Name HERE>: Well, first of all, you and Akane love each other.

Ranma-chan: Yes! Now that you have said it, I can finally admit it freely! Akane I love you!

Akane: And I love you!

They fall into each others arms and kiss passionately. Kunou freezes. While the girls kiss, <Your Name HERE> pulls a kettle out of the cloud and pours hot water over Ranma-chan who turns male. A look of disappointment sneaks into Akane's eyes, but she continues kissing. <Your Name HERE> generously applies the water to everyone who's still cursed.

Kodachi: But I already had plans for Ranma-sama.

<Your Name HERE>: Kodachi, in truth you love nobody but yourself. You will be content with this...

Before Kodachi pops up a full body length mirror. She begins kissing and licking her mirror image.

Ukyou: And me? I truly love Ran-chan.

<Your Name HERE>: That's right, so you can be heartbroken and depressed and finally commit suicide.

Ukyou: Wheee! Just what I always wanted to do. Thank you, <Your Name HERE>!

She pulls out a bottle of sleeping tablets, up-ends it and keels over dead. Kunou finally regains the power of speech.

Kunou: Osage no onna and Akane in love? But whom will I love then?

<Your Name HERE>: Nothing easier than that. You're filthy rich and stupid as shit, so...

<Your Name HERE> pulls Nabiki out of a top hat.

Nabiki: But we're not compatible in the least. He's a rock hard traditionalist and I am as untraditional as it gets!

<Your Name HERE>: Oh, don't worry about that. It has been proven to work, by others. Oh, and Ryouga...

<Your Name HERE> reaches into the hat again and pulls out Akari this time. She does not protest at all against being married off to Ryouga, since she only ever was a bad excuse for a character, just written to get Ryouga away from Akane.

Shampoo: But what Shampoo do now? She no can go back to village without husband.

<Your Name HERE>: You don't need to go back. You can come with me.

Shampoo: Oh yes! Shampoo always loved you, <Your Name HERE>! She even dream of you at night!

<Your Name HERE> pulls her up on the cloud and starts to unbutton her top as they begin to fade.

Mousse: A-hem! Aren't you forgetting someone?

The cloud fades back to solidity again.

<Your Name HERE>: Oh right, sorry.

SPLASH

Mousse: Quack.

<Your Name HERE>: Shampoo, darling, wasn't there this delightful dish from Peking that you know...?

Oh, by the way, should you be female but also want your own wish-fulfilling power fantasy: Just leave Shampoo to Mousse, take Ryouga with you and marry Akari to her sumo pig.

This fic is dedicated to all the writers who placed themselves (or thinly disguised alter egos) into their stories and to all those who could not resist pairing everyone off as fast as possible.

Author's notes

Back to my Ranma ½ page.